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Memories of Mom and Christmas

I’m not certain why, but this holiday season, I’ve been filled with fervent sentiment and emotions. The intensity grows with each pulse of my heart, and a yearning rises like a tightening in my throat as I go through the motions of Christmas preparation. Memories of loved ones; and images of past Christmases dance in my head, bringing me joy entwined with longing for those who are no longer with us.

I didn’t have opportunity to spend many Christmas mornings with Walter, only one in the eight years we had. He would fly home to Nova Scotia so he could spend the holidays with his mother, children and grandson, Jase. But we did our best to spend it together across the miles. Texts, calls and Skype video calls at 7:00 pm. The one Christmas we spent together ended up being his last, little did we know. We enjoyed the togetherness. I’ll always cherish the memories. Like he and Dad, sitting together, sipping coffee, chatting away like Waldorf and Statler from the Muppets, up in the balcony, watching our antics, shaking their heads and chuckling at us. He’s been gone four years. Some days it feels much longer, yet I can recall a memory which can feel just like yesterday. I’m grateful to have many from the years we had together.

The holiday season always reminds me of my mother. It was her favorite time of the year and she embraced every tradition with a passion. She’s been gone 18 years and I strive to carry on with those traditions. Memories come to my mind with each action. Some connected to the activity at hand, and others just appear. Each lovingly welcomed and savored. I miss her and think of her often. But this year, I’m missing her immensely, so much that I’ve found my eyes well up at times, bringing a moment of melancholy so strong that I have to consciously tell myself to shake it off. Or ‘put some starch in that backbone’, like my Auntie Lil would say. Once recovered from the sense of sadness, I can enjoy my memories of long ago.

Our tree was decorated with colorful ornaments, carefully removed from their box and hung with such precision. Delicate glass bells, silver with green detail. Gold teardrops. Handblown, mercury glass balls, some with starburst insets, others with glitter. Silver tinsel, placed one at a time, ever so delicately. An angel with gold wings and halo sitting atop the tree, guarding what lies underneath. A wreath with gold bells on the front door. Christmas cards hung on the entryway divider bookshelf.

Christmas baking was a beloved ritual with our mom. A stack of Christmas albums, filled with classics by Burl Ives, Judy Garland, Bing Crosby, Julie Andrews; playing on the console stereo in the living room. Ronco presents A Christmas Present laid open atop with the Santa’s Village pop-up proudly displayed. My brother and I peering into the windows of Santa’s workshop, and carefully trying not to touch the reindeer or trees. The aroma of freshly baked treats wafting from the kitchen, practically calling us to come taste. Mom singing along to the music as she stirs the ingredients in her large white Stoneware mixing bowl, and us eager to help - and maybe sneak a taste of cookie dough.

My childhood excitement waking up Christmas morning. I can almost feel my bare feet touching the floor as I rush to the living room with my brother, Michael, to see what Santa put in our stockings. Our smiles visible in the meticulously placed tinsel which draped our tree. Mom and Dad joining us in discovering what lay underneath the colorful wrapping of each gift, one at a time to allow us to savor the moment. The tv in the background playing the cartoons we’d only see on Christmas Day. Davey and Goliath, Christmas Is with Benji and Waldo, The Remarkable Rocket, The Happy Prince. My parents watching us play as they sit and enjoy the morning before family festivities would begin.

The family gathering at Auntie Ida’s home. A kitchen filled with adults, gathered around the table with music playing in the background; and the children playing together in the living room with the Christmas movies on tv. The reflection of the tree lights across the screen. Turkey, cabbage rolls, perogies, and all the fixings for a delicious Christmas meal. Sweet treats, laughter, love. I can close my eyes and see Mom with my aunties Ida and Lil sitting with their cups of Sanka. Laughing and talking, hands gesturing as if they aided in the telling of the stories. A trait which I’ve inherited. Auntie Ida with her painted nails and her elegant hands moving so gracefully with a cigarette – the ash continuing to grow, but never falling off. Auntie Lil’s hearty laugh, coming deep from within. A genuine sound of happiness, contagious and uplifting. Mom, the little sister giggling at their stories, and watching them in admiration. My older cousins, who I looked up to, joining around the table. The next generation. Watching them from the door, their body language, their laughs, so much like their elders.

Cherished as much as my childhood memories, are those of my mom as a grandmother. The mere existence of Jordan and Jared made her world brighter. Her excitement to see their faces Christmas morning equaled theirs. My boys opening their gifts, one at a time, just like we did. Each gift was shown to their grandparents with pride. My dad sitting in his recliner enjoying the entertainment they provided. The kids helping my mom open her presents, sharing the moment together. Cousins Pat and George joining us for dinner, then playing family games. Then we adults would relax and watch the boys play until they gradually tired out. The togetherness of family so treasured.

I know times have changed and so has Christmas for many. Busy lives, stressful and strapped for time or cash. Some shun the commercialism, and some embrace the HGTV Christmas decoration trends of the year. I’m fortunate to look back on Christmases long ago with such wonderful memories, and tried to create ones for my children, with help and guidance from my mom. She taught me to shift the focus from fret to festivity. She showed me that it wasn’t about spending ungodly amounts of money on the newest trends or copious amounts of presents. It was about simple traditions, togetherness, and love. And I will continue to carry those values and traditions forward with love and gratitude in my heart.

Thanks Mom. I love you forever. 



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