I am still. Motionless.

 

I am still.  My eyes are closed.  I see nothing.   Motionless. I hear nothing but my heartbeat.  A rhythmic pulse, my beating heart, reminding me that I’m alive, that I’m awake.  Attention is drawn to my breath.  Air filling my lungs, my chest expanding, reminding me that I’m alive, that I’m awake.  I try to move ahead. But I cannot.

I am still. My eyes are opened.  I am standing. Motionless.  I see a path ahead.  Images ahead which I cannot recognize. A collection of color, of light, of dark. I feel a calling.  From the path itself or what’s down the path, I cannot tell which, but know I must go.  Forward, into the unknown.  I try to move ahead.  But I cannot.

I am still.  I raise my hands.  Palms faced forward.  Motionless.  I feel a barrier which I cannot see.  Like a glass wall. Clear yet solid. I feel the coldness of the barrier.  Like an ice wall. Frozen and numb. I try to move ahead.  But I cannot.

I am still.  My will is there. I lack momentum.  Motionless. I feel the space behind me. I dread adding more. Moving me away, from what I’ve known, what I lived.  A swarm of memories buzz behind me. Warm feelings embrace me, my heart aches, reminding me that I’ve lived, that I’ve loved.  I try to move ahead.  But I cannot.

I am still.  A happy life lays behind me. I fear its distance. Motionless.  I ache to be in its midst.   I don’t want it to fade.  Nor be forgotten, not honored, or erased. The love behind me had changed me.  It ignited a yearning, a desire for intimacy, for partnership, showed me what love is. I try to move ahead.  But I cannot.

I am still.  I sit in limbo.  I cannot move.  Motionless.  I cannot stay where I am.  I need to feel alive. To live with purpose.  I feel the coldness of the barrier. Like an ice wall. I want it gone.  I try to move ahead.  But I cannot.

I am still.  I feel loneliness.  I’m at a crossroads.  Motionless.  I am vulnerable and weak.  I wish to go back to him, to us.  It isn’t possible, as he is gone, and he rests in peace.  I know he’ll remain in my heart, and in my memories.  I must continue to live, to move forward, I’m still alive, I am awake.  I try to move ahead.  But I cannot.

I am still.  Processing my emotions.  I am building strength. Motionless. Until I can move forward. I will then welcome the unknown.  There will be room in my heart to live, to experience, to feel.  To embrace the vibrancy of life.  The past will not be unwritten, love will be remembered, memories will be sustained, experience will make me strong.  I will move ahead. I know I can.

I am still.  I will raise my hands. Palms faced forward.  Motionless. I will break the barrier which I cannot see.  Shatter like glass.  Clear yet broken.  I will feel the warmth from my surroundings.  Like a breath of fresh air.  I will move ahead.  I will succeed.