Walter Kennedy, My muffin. My love. My life.
As we approach five months since I last touched his hand, kissed his lips; I still feel empty, numb, lost, mundane. Each day takes me farther and farther away from him. My calendar is filled with 'first without' and memories 'last time with'. Life feels surreal. When this reality hits me, it practically takes my breath away. Moments where emotions are overwhelming, physical pain, crushing my chest, my broken heart. As time moves on, I become more familiar with this new existence. Gradually there are more moments where my smile is genuine and I do have a sense of 'normalcy'. His presence gave colour and vibrancy to my life. And his loss dulled it to a monochromatic grey. In time I'll add color to my palette, but will never match the verve we had.
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Waves of emotion appear without notice. Some arrive with a crash shaking my foundation. Others like a ripple...slowly enveloping my thoughts. My anchor is the man I mourn. I search in the pool of emotions which surround me to find comfort. My heart, although broken, still feels his love. My mind is filled with memories of him. He always has been the calm to my storm and continues to be. Time will soften the intensity of the waves of pain. I don't know if the waves will ever go away, but assume the pain will eventually soften to sadness.
There are times where our house feels so cold and empty. And times when it's filled with silence and sadness. But I also see reminders of him, of us. A home filled with memories. Tangible items which I can hold, close my eyes and almost feel him here with me. I'm terrified that I'll forget moments we had. Terrified that the intensity of my memories will fade.
There is a painful void, a piece of my heart missing. The edges of this void are so sharp that as I move forward sometimes they pierce me and hurt deep inside. This will ease in time, the sharpness will wear down to an ache echoing into the void. He took a part of me with him. That void attests to how symbiotic we truly were, and is a reminder of how blessed we were to have such love. II will strive to keep his spirit alive, will practice what he preached, use the skills he taught me, share his stories, and forever be grateful for each moment we had together. ❤️
